


when i think of home, there you are.

by howdothestarslook



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Abusive Sonia Kaspbrak, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Coming Out, Eddie Kaspbrak Deserves Better, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak is a Mess, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier-centric, F/M, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, Getting Together, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Leaving Home, M/M, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier is a Good Friend, Running Away, Sonia Kaspbrak Being Terrible, Teenage Losers Club (IT), they're 16ish in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:55:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24866401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howdothestarslook/pseuds/howdothestarslook
Summary: His heart fucking aches, aches with everything he is. He loves Richie with every single bone in his body and he's so exhausted with it. But he simply will never stop because Richie is there when he needs him most.or Eddie runs from home.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, mentioned benverly but its sort of irrelevant
Kudos: 42





	when i think of home, there you are.

**Author's Note:**

> TW/CW: homophobia + internalised oppression and running away from home. please stay safe <3
> 
> also, I apologise for how short and also super bad this fic is I probably will rewrite this one day in shame for how shitty this version is but I hope u enjoy anyways 🥺🥺
> 
> also for this fic, my brain is saying that everyone is closeted/unknowingly bi except Ben who is straight, Richie who is closeted gay and Eddie who is out as gay.

"You're not gay! Gay people they go to hell Eddie, and they're disgusting and wrong and corrupt, you're not, you're my little Eddie bear." is what his mother says when he comes out to her one Sunday morning. And the words they burn into his skin like the unforgiving sun during what could be, the last dated, hottest summer, during '84. And though Eddie would've only been a mere eight years old that summer he still remembered how the sun felt against what little skin his mother would let him show. Remarkably, nine years later, her words were _immeasurably_ more painful.

At the very least he had someone to hold him this time around, to tell him it was going to be okay, that they were going to find a way out of there as he knew, deep down, he deserved despite his mother's insistence. That person, of course, being none other than Richie Tozier. The very boy who his mother hated with such passion he hadn't seen in anyone before, at least of what he could seem to remember. He knew for sure Richie was annoying, not of his own volition or control of course, but, none the less annoying. Even still Eddie didn't have thought of a desire to pull himself away from Richie. No, he loved Richie with every single bone in his body, every single cell and his mother's hatred only furthered his admiration for the admittedly gorgeous boy.

Though that confession, if he had any say in it, would be kept strictly between himself and the small dog eared pages of the diary he irregularly kept updated. Especially since he had been told repeatedly about how his sexuality was wrong, corrupt even, he supposed maybe they were right, ever since strangers on the streets had seemed to repeat the same message to him too. And Richie never seemed to have the wanting thoughts the way he did, that or he avoided expressing them, this only telling him that these thoughts were supposed to be ignored, repressed even. Whichever way it was supposed to be, repressed or not, all he knows is that Richie is the best friend he's ever known. Even when Richie is stupid, and doesn't understand how to express something without making a shitty joke, he's still, Richie. And that to Eddie makes him everything. Every single star, every drop of water, everything down to the last puff of air in their lungs. Because when Eddie has his first panic attack of '93 during the summer while considering running away for the first time, Richie holds his hand and teaches him how to breathe again better than any of the other losers know how to. Afterwards, when he knows how to breathe again, Richie smiles at him and says "if you want to run away, I'll do whatever I can to help, I'm so proud of you eds!" and it's the most un-Richie thing he's ever heard. Eddie's heart is so full as he watches Richie walk away with that same, proud, smile.

That's only the beginning of Eddie finding comfort though, learning that his love for Richie is different than what he feels for Beverly or even Bill for that matter and that isn't a sin in and of itself. Other people are just what he thought, wrong. His mother is wrong too, ridden with hatred for people who are exactly that, people. And he wishes every 11:11 on the clock that he could hate her in the ways he should. So, despite the panic attack, it's not all that long before he's bringing up running away again. This time Ben doesn't look at him like he's lost the plot, Mike doesn't seem as anxious for him, and he doesn't have a panic attack. And this time, they start piecing together a plan while Eddie quietly wishes to himself that he was holding Richie's hand, perhaps in a different scenario to last time. It takes a week or maybe two before Eddie commits to it, finally realising how unsafe it is for him in her home as she spits out another slur one morning. So he confirms it with Richie, this Saturday. He might finally be free. And that Saturday everything moves into motion how it usually does, like clockwork. Without fail, every Saturday, his mother will go out meeting up with a long term friend. This Saturday is, of course, no different. He kisses her cheek, waves her goodbyes and then runs up the stairs like he's got something to prove. As they planned, Richie is sat on his bed having crawled through the gap Eddie left in his bedroom window. For some reason, it's Richie's smile that sends him spiralling, as he finally realises, they're doing this. Eddie's going to be free, like actually free. It's Richie's smile that makes his breaths frantic and his eyes wet, and he doesn't quite know if he can feel his legs or not. But even still Richie holds him, arms around his shoulders as he says "Eddie, listen to me okay, she can't hurt you when we get out of here, it's going to be alright, we can go and, you never need to turn back baby!"

And he's only half sure that he's hallucinating when he hears Richie call him his baby. He's even less convinced when he sees Richie's smile wiped from his face. It's only then, without a single second left for thinking Eddie realises, now or never. He doesn't dare leave it another second before he grabs Richie's hand and his bag and says "Lets fucking get out of here, baby!" and it's the most unlike him thing he's sure he'll ever do. But either way, Richie agrees, and they ride down the street like they have done so many times before.

It sounds stupid to say, but something about running away is oddly freeing, leaving everything behind that weighs him down. He feels all brand new. Like nothing, he's ever known. Everything he's done and does he overthinks until the possibilities wear out and he eventually backs out but not this. With this, he does what Richie says for once and doesn't turn back for even a second. And he doesn't need to be told that Richie is proud of him because he can see the smile, so clearly displayed across his face. Even still, Richie tells him anyways as they ride side by side on their bikes down the street and Richie almost shouts when he says "I'm so proud of you Eddie baby!" Eddie's so sure he's not hallucinating when he hears it this time. 

There's something he's more sure of though, that his little porcelain heart is about to give out. Every time Richie shoots him that proud smile his heart stutters worse than Bill repeating back his ritual, let alone when Richie calls him his baby. Though they haven't discussed it and Eddie's trying to tell his brain the best he can, Richie's saying it platonically. But do you let your long term best friend move into your childhood home and support him through several panic attacks and then call him baby platonically? He's not sure. It does sound like it might be a friend thing when he puts it to himself like that, Richie's just helping him out. He needed a place to stay, and they're best friends, nothing more, nothing less. 

Ironically though part of his ridiculous brain is optimistic as it creates fantasies, thinking what if Richie said it because he meant it? But he knows they're not real, his fantasies because surely Richie would've mentioned something by now. He's got a trashmouth, for god's sake you can't keep him quiet. In saying that, he knows that Richie has never spilt a secret or spoilt a surprise, at least not on purpose. So maybe he's better at it than he makes out. That alone unleashes Eddie's brain into a whole other category of thinking. Richie could be gay and keeping quiet. Richie might be equally as scared as him, hiding away that he likes Eddie. It feels like it makes sense, but also, his internalised oppression wants to say otherwise. 

It's not until they're running inside Richie's house to avoid the sudden onslaught of downpour that he decides to bring it up. Hidden away in Richie's box of a bedroom when he says "Can I ask something kind of personal rich'?" 

His heart speeds up as he sees Richie's eyes go wide behind his thick-framed glasses. His tone is surprisingly relaxed when he responds with an "'course Eds, go wild?" and then his smile returns, comforting Eddie through what might be the bumpiest road of thought he's ever been down. It's stupid how his reactions to Richie's smiles are so instantaneous, without thinking. His stomach, automatically blooming into the most beautiful flower garden for all the butterflies swirling around in there. Or maybe it's not like that at all? Perhaps his stomach is a deer running from the wolves, ultimately falling at the last hurdle. Either way, he could easily be sick. 

He should know better. He should know not to ask about sexuality. He knows how scary and challenging and, honestly, isolating it is to question for hours upon who is it you'll love one day? Because he knows marriage won't come, not for him, not for 'the gays', at least not any time soon. But he can hardly stop himself when he says "do you ever think you're gay?" he imagines this is how Richie feels when he can't stop himself. He regrets the words the second they come out of his mouth. They burn along his tongue like ice held to his skin. Yet they hurtle forward out of his mouth like they want to be free. And when Richie comes up short with no answer, he feels even worse. Richie looks scared, like really scared. Similar to how Mike looked at him the first time, he mentioned running away. Except Richie is, crying. 

Eddie's heart crumples like an empty can thrown to the side of the road when Richie starts crying. He's never known Richie to be especially sensitive but, he supposes Richie isn't all that open about his emotions. He's always wondered if it was Richie wasn't feeling so strong as to express it or if Richie was unsure on how to say what it is he feels. It's only now Eddie realises it's most definitely the latter. So, just like Richie did for him, he pulls him closer and holds him tight.

"Richie, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." is what Eddie says holding onto Richie like he'll save him through treacherous waters. And then one of Eddie's hands finds Richie's hair, and it's a soft curly mess but, it feels weirdly comforting. Richie agrees as he speaks into Eddie's neck in a muffled voice "feels good." and lets out what could be a laugh despite it lasting half a second. It's still confirmed to be Eddie's favourite sound though, Richie's stupid fucking laugh. It fills him with pure joy. Forget heroin, if he was going to get addicted it was going to be to Richie's giggles and grins. 

"yeah, you should let me do this more." is what Eddie says, letting out a similar laugh to Richie's in the way that it lasts less than half a moment. And when Richie pulls away from their hug to smile up at him his heart uncrumples in its place. All he's ever needed is Richie and his smile. All he will ever need is Richie and his smile, anything else, like the way the sun hits his skin and makes freckles appear or when he laughs that gorgeous sound, is a bonus. So when Richie shoves his hand in Eddie's spare hand and his face into Eddie's neck and presses his lips there even if only softly. Eddie's sure he feels his heart crash into his stomach and shatter in there from the shock. He doesn't mention it, however, keeping his hand in Richie's hair, his other hand occupied by Richie's. Richie's lips only get more persistent going along Eddie's shoulder until they stop. Admittedly this is the perfect mix to make Eddie forget how to breathe, but somehow, his breathing stays steady. 

That's until Richie decides to speak again into his shoulder in that same muffled voice and this time, Eddie thinks he's misheard him when Richie says "I think I might be gay." He's never known Richie like this, down to earth and serious. Not cracking a single 'i'll have to stop fucking your mom if I'm gay eds' like Eddie thought he might. He's honest and sincere and, Eddie doesn't know how the switch just flipped so quick like that. Eddie's not sure how to become genuine like that too. But he tries saying "you know I'll always support you rich." and slowly brings his hand out of Richie's hair down his shoulder where he traces small lines up and down with his thumb. 

Nothing can ever match this day. He wants to kick and scream. He really cannot for the life of him keep up. Richie is, just like him, in more ways than just personality now. Well, he supposes it has always been like that they didn't know at one point, or were less inclined to figure it out perhaps. Especially as children, it wasn't something they had to care about. They had each other, that's all they needed. Then high school came, and before they knew it, Bill was getting a girlfriend. After that, Ben and Beverly fell in love, and slowly Stan and Mike found girlfriends too. Soon it was only Richie, and Eddie left to get girlfriends. That's when filled with fear Eddie had come out, admitting there was never a woman or even a girl who he could love quite like that. Richie being the same as him, physically incapable of loving women that way, makes perfect sense when he thinks about it. 

"When did you know you liked boys?" is what Richie says next, squeezing Eddie's hand like a vice. Lord knows Eddie can't even begin to explain when he realised he liked boys. Maybe it had been the first time Eddie saw Richie without a haircut for a few months curls ruffled across the expanse of his neck. Or the first time they had cuddled at a sleepover, and Richie had kept Eddie so close they hardly had room to breathe. Whatever it was, Eddie had loved Richie even if he didn't know it then. 

He's scared though, despite his acceptance and understanding towards the very admiration he feels for Richie, he's terrified. More so of this than leaving home, which alone speaks volumes. Just because Richie thinks he's gay doesn't mean he automatically likes Eddie. So Eddie opts for something more, vague. "I just, well, I heard Bill explain what he felt for his girlfriend and realised, I think I like boys like that. But not girls. It took a while, to be honest." 

Richie's quiet for a moment, almost eerily so. And when he speaks, Eddie loses any words he might have wanted to say from what it is Richie says "Would you hate me if I said I like you like that?" there's so much emotion inside Eddie's tiny fucking body that he doesn't know what to do. It's like, fireworks and a punch in the face at the same time. But not a particularly painful one, therefor shock factor alone. He doesn't know why, but right now, as he searches for the words, it feels so lonely. Like he's on an island, with nobody but himself. He does the best he can flicking through the dictionary in his brain, it takes a long moment, but Eddie finally stumbles upon the best words he can think up in his shock. His voice is shaky and anxious when he talks, saying "never rich, I could never hate you." and Eddie is the one to pull away from them this time, lifting Richie's face from where he's watching himself kick at his own foot.

"Honestly Richie, I think maybe I like you like that too." is what he says next, finally gaining confidence as he reminds himself on what his motto has been for possibly the last hour, now or never. He feels stupid he's never caught onto this motto earlier because when Eddie drags his hands away from Richie's face, there's hardly half a second before Richie is jumping into Eddie's arms. Eddie holds on tight to Richie's hips desperately trying not to stumble over, and Richie doesn't leave it another second before he leans down pushing his stupid fucking smile against Eddie's muttering out an "I love you Eddie baby!" And Eddie doesn't give himself another second for panicking before kissing him back hard.

The way this feels so perfect reiterates Eddie's beliefs. He is not corrupt nor wrong. He's in love with a boy, and that's more than okay. In fact, he thinks he might even have a boyfriend soon, and that's pretty fucking cool. He's found his home, at least for right now. 


End file.
